It's very hard to disentangle how much of this is pressure from your workplace vs. your internalized sense of obligation about work intensity.
Parenthood does change a lot of things. But at the end of the day, tech isn't slinging drinks at a bar, or fixing cars, or even like other intense white collar jobs where the stock market closing bell or potential sales target companies office hours put hard time limits on things and let you better compartmentalize your life. It's got elements of research science, art, and construction - ideas percolate over time, experiments need to be run, and structures fail or become unsuitable and need reworking. I used to think with the right methodologies these could all be controlled and that only "dysfunctional" companies didn't do so, but lately I'm concluding that the "busyness" of a software eng. or adjacent jobs in tech just comes with the territory. Yes, some companies are distinctly good or bad at managing the worst of it, but looking at the bigger picture, getting upper middle class salaries in a hot market for talent, to sit in a temperature controlled clean environment and use your brain to solve problems is not a bad trade off for being expected to do amazing things routinely. I think we have a pretty good tradeoff.
Parenthood does change a lot of things. But at the end of the day, tech isn't slinging drinks at a bar, or fixing cars, or even like other intense white collar jobs where the stock market closing bell or potential sales target companies office hours put hard time limits on things and let you better compartmentalize your life. It's got elements of research science, art, and construction - ideas percolate over time, experiments need to be run, and structures fail or become unsuitable and need reworking. I used to think with the right methodologies these could all be controlled and that only "dysfunctional" companies didn't do so, but lately I'm concluding that the "busyness" of a software eng. or adjacent jobs in tech just comes with the territory. Yes, some companies are distinctly good or bad at managing the worst of it, but looking at the bigger picture, getting upper middle class salaries in a hot market for talent, to sit in a temperature controlled clean environment and use your brain to solve problems is not a bad trade off for being expected to do amazing things routinely. I think we have a pretty good tradeoff.