I'm curious if other Americans have any advice about how to make friends. I find it obnoxiously and unnecessarily difficult, and I don't think I'm alone.
I don't enjoy any of the community or volunteer events in my area (I have tried everything regular, but nothing has stuck). I moved here for work, so I don't have any friends or family support structure in the area. Everyone gets around by car, even though it is extremely walkable here (a personal preference), so I don't even see my neighbors except for when they drive their cars in and out of their driveway.
I know that social isolation is awful for my health. I know that making new friends can be tough at first; you need to hang out with someone enough times in a row to overcome the initial awkwardness and build up mutual understanding. But how the hell am I supposed to meet up with people repeatedly when I have to bend over backwards to fit socialization in between work, feeding myself, exercising, and cleaning (let alone other tasks)? Not to mention that, even working remotely, I'm often so drained after a workday that I don't feel up to socializing.
The only place to 'hang out' in most parts is the library (not conducive to chat) and bars/breweries (expensive, unhealthy, and home to a... certain demographic).
I've heard that other countries supposedly have better work/life balance than the USA. Do folks who have experienced this contrast find it easier to make friends elsewhere?
Great question. As an American, I find going to the gym/exercising alone boring.
I try to get my exercise with a group of people friends. Often this isn't possible. But I've got several activities in my life that I do with a group of people and often those people become close friends.
For example, I know many people who are close to those in their yoga group. Or beach volleyball group. I like to hike or do outdoor activities with friends. Basically anything that gets your heart rate up, with a group of people, allows you to build friendship + social connections and not be bored while exercising.
I always recommend coffee shops (even if you drink tea/milk/whatever) over bars. Come regularly, stay off your phone, sit where you can see the room (and be seen by others, particularly coming in the door), and have a smile and nod for everyone. The acquaintances you make in the coffee shop will lead you to the next step to integrate with the community.
This said, it sounds like you've moved somewhere that isn't "you". You can't fix your neighbors insular nature, or their tendency to drive, or the community /volunteer opportunities that don't speak to you. I recommend putting your efforts to finding a place you like, then work on friends there.
P.s., You may not find the friends you expect. Keep an open mind.
While your local library might not be conducive to chatting, the new generation of libraries (you know, the ones with few visible books) are trying to play the role of a community hangout like cafes or pubs. For example, when Helsinki opened its new central library Oodi, it came complete with signs hung that said people were invited to talk and hangout for hours, and shushing other people wasn't allowed.
But now that I think about it, that development might not make it to the USA inasmuch as that country wholeheartedly embraced the concept of "no loitering".
I am awful at it too. Activities and hobbies are the way to meet people if don’t like socializing at bars or parties. You have a common interest to talk about, you are doing something together, and you may see them again at another event. Finally, you can connect with them outside the activity. This is where I fall down.
Group exercise. CrossFit or something like Brazilian Jujitsu. Try a bunch of classes if the first one doesn’t work out. Worst case is you get in better shape.
During a lonely period in my life I met two other travelers playing Uno on Xbox Live. We played every night, games had 4 players and matchmaking so we would essentially bust on the new person who joined until they left and were replaced by someone new. Never got even a first name, didn't talk about life or struggles, just cracked jokes. Eventually I made friends in real life and drifted away from gaming but it helped me get past a relatively dark period. Fortnite is a great place to start.
I'm an extreme introvert that can go a very long time without human interaction but at a certain point, whether it be weeks or months, I get the urge to talk to someone, go out to eat with someone, do something with someone. This is a real bad place to be because you're fine being alone until you all of a sudden aren't and it feels 10x worse when you look around and see all the people smiling and laughing with friends.
This was where I was at years ago. I had to learn that relationships are work and investment. If you want company you need to recognize people will have different needs than you and cater to them, so that in the one time you do need a friend they will cater to you in turn.
I feel like this makes it seem like it's a problem for everyone.
I am alone most of the time and as far as I can tell I have never felt lonely. I am not even quite sure what that feels like, but the descriptions from others make me fairly confident I haven't felt it.
Why does this make it seem like older males who are alone are just sad and sitting at home bored? I know single older males who are very active outdoors and such and they do all sorts of solo activities.
Sure, not everyone has a problem being alone, but most people do, especially when it's for extended periods and, critically, not by choice. This is a post about a society-wide problem.
Human beings are social animals. Time spent around friends and family is incontrovertibly linked to longer and happier lives.
You should very much understand that you are the exception.
I mean I certainly realize that I am an exception. I kind of wish I knew more about why it works for me and doesn't for others.
My whole life feels like an exception lol. But I have to think that I can't possibly be that special or rare and maybe I just am looking in the wrong place when reading about how other people are in comparison to myself.
I wish extroverts would stop acting like theirs is the only way of life and having a small group of people to interact with rarely is somehow an issue.
Not to mention all the health issues that come with socialisation, like pandemics.
I think I'm an introvert, because I find that socializing drains energy. However, I find that spending regular time with others makes me happier overall.
I don't know if that's true for everyone, but there's certainly a correlation between social time and happiness across the population. I suppose that could mean introverts are just naturally doomed to be miserable—but to me, it seems more likely that even introverts benefit from socializing. Maybe not you, most many if not most.
But even in this dataset I guess there are outliers who rate themselves 7-8 with 0 social interaction. I guess I would be kind of like one of those data points if I had been in the survey.
I find it interesting how the data on "ladder" vs "time with others" bifurcates. Expect its something with Extrovert / Introvert.
People in the middle tend to sleep, they don't get a lot of interaction, yet they get some interaction. They're kind of in the "not bad / not great".
Some people are super happy, and it seems to be directly correlated to Interaction++. Interaction++ -> Happy++.
Some people are super sad, and it weirdly seems to be directly correlated to Interaction++. And then eventually almost stop interacting. Probably because its always: Interaction++ -> Happy--.
The chart only really works till the middle, like the article's written from an Extrovert's perspective, like most of existence.
I suspect there are a ton of people who would be much more extroverted if they had places and communities where it felt like their style of extroversion was welcome. Instead they are lonely.
It's not just about interaction. It's about meaningful interaction. When you get lots of interaction but none of it meaningful to you, it's just as bad as not getting any at all. The hope of "coming across" something meaningful keeps you going... for while... until it doesn't.
This might be too specific to my own life, but I'm curious whether children do/should count towards socializing time.
I'm officially an elementary school teacher as of this fall, so I spend most of my work day "socializing" with other people—they just aren't adults. And they certainly aren't my "friends", although I do genuinely care about them.
I also don't have my own children (yet), which I imagine would be very different.
I really wish people would stop this scrolling type of interaction on webpages. It's really not great for disabled people, but to me it's just a super highly annoying way to try to get information.
Why not do the same in a video? To be fair, I have no idea what this page is trying to actually convey because I couldn't navigate through to the end, but, I assume it is trying to get a point across. Whether or not that's art doesn't necessarily mean this is the best or even a useful medium to do it in.
Not sure why you're downvoted, but not all art has to be accessible.
This is an unusual piece that seems somewhere between digital art and journalism. Honestly I think it's the best presentation of this type of data I've ever seen. Basically it lets you scroll to any point in a 24-hour period and see an animation of what each person was doing at that time. If you want to get more information about that person you can click on their animated icon and see what their entire day looked like
Sorry, those with disabilities don’t actually have the right to enjoy art. This article just isn’t for you. /s
I hate how ableism is so prevalent on the web and amongst engineers. This website is a beautiful way to let users explore the data interactively. There’s absolutely no reason it couldn’t also be made accessible so everyone could appreciate it and explore the timeline of the page and the messages communicated therein.
As nice as the page is, the lack of accessibility comes down to laziness and complacency on the side of the author imo.
What type of art can exist for someone who's blind, deaf, unable to taste or smell, and quadriplegic?
(Edit: additionally, does this exclude music as a whole?)
Those with more than one disability don't have the right to enjoy art? The right to force you individually to accomodate them in everything you do regardless of if you know them or how few of them there may be?
By your metric there, might I accuse your own post here? You didn't use language that someone sufficiently mentally disabled could understand, so you've just excluded their "right" to appreciate and understand what you've written. Perhaps a limitation of this platform, but it'd sound like you're enabling that same ableism, not to mention that you could attach links to pictograms and videos to try to enable those who cannot understand language.
What is such an accusation of "Ableism"? A denial of differences in ability? A belief that if even one person somewhere can't achieve something, that nobody anywhere should, however mundane?
It's one thing to discuss designing our public streets to accomodate people on wheelchairs, of whom there are many and the benefits can also aid cyclists and even just people wheeling cargo on a dolly. Or to design public buildings to have small accomodations as such where they are trivially inexpensive and will remain for the life of the building while often providing benefits to everyone. Yet should it apply to all aspects of life everywhere? And what defines the limits? Exclusion of 1% of the population? 0.1%? A single individual?
Men: make new friends now. Elderly isolation is rooted in the habits developed in middle age, and it particularly affects men. Overcome that awkwardness and make new friends.
That is similar to "well feel happy!" advice to someone who is depressed. It isn't exactly wrong, if someone can do that they should, but the suspicion is that there are other factors that need to be addressed first.
Nope. Men tend to stop making new close friendships starting after 25. There are no "other factors that need to be addressed first". For ordinary men with ordinary mental health, it really is as simple as "go make new friends".
If there are no other factors then there wouldn't be a detectable change at 25 years of age. That was literally a statement that age (more realistically, social organisation in school vs the rest of society) is a factor. A bloke can't just go out and recreate a college environment at 30 for himself to socialise in - society is wealthy, but not wealthy enough for everyone to be a permanent student.
There is a need to build an environment where people can get together first, before they can make friends.
> A bloke can't just go out and recreate a college environment at 30 for himself to socialise in - society is wealthy, but not wealthy enough for everyone to be a permanent student.
Fraternal organizations, adult recreational sports leagues, social dance groups, etc., all exist. You don't have to be a permanent student to have a slice of your time in a not-too-dissimilar social environment.
> There is a need to build an environment where people can get together first, before they can make friends.
There are plenty of such environments. The people that aren't making friends are choosing not to engage with them. In many cases, because they are expending all their social energy on work and transactional relationships around work rather than non-transactional casual interactions on which to grow friendships.
> There is a need to build an environment where people can get together first, before they can make friends.
You really can join a club or meetup or just hang around in the park or a bar and make friends starting now. No need to wait for unplanned, unstarted construction projects to complete first. Good luck, sir.
I'll certainly admit to not being up to speed on the research for how people make friends, but as analysis goes, that seems a little brief. And my personal experience suggests there is more going on.
1) Approximately 0% of my close friends were made in those sort of environments. Not for lack of attempts I might add, but because they are places where it is quite hard to make good friends. Most of the friendships I can think of that other people have weren't made in those sort of environments either. I've made a close friend at a funeral. I've made 0 close friends at social clubs. The friends I had at the social clubs joined because I was a member or vice versa.
2) In a stroke of anecdata, I was talking to a colleague recently who was quitting the club he was member of because he felt the friendships he'd made there were so shallow as to be worthless.
You've already identified that something happens around age 25. That seems a like a bit of a tell to me that there is more to the situation than just awkwardness. It is true that nobody is going to help the lonely because, sort of definitionally, they don't have a strong support network. Therefore they are on their own and will have to figure it out themselves. Joining a bunch of social things certainly should help. Nevertheless it is worth approaching the situation with just a smidgen of empathy and a certain curiosity [0] about what the actual forces at play here are. Slogans like "just be happy", "learn to code" and, I suspect, "just join a club, sir" tend to age poorly.
[0] Not to insinuate that you aren't, but the word count and choice doesn't give me hope that you've really dug in to this topic to make sure there isn't something going on.
This gets especially hard if you are childfree and content. Odds are, the male friends you could make in middle age have had children, and that is much of what they talk about and it determines what free time they have to hang out. It is easy to feel like you and them are living in completely separate worlds, and if you detest children to the point you don't even want to hear about them, it makes conversation tiresome. This is why the fraternal society or pub/cafe culture route doesn't work for me.
I joined a fraternal org about 7 years ago and for all its ups and downs, its an insurance policy on those social connections where you can develop and grow in them. They change, but they can be pillars of stability for a lifetime. Churches and activities like hunting and golf are other ones as well.
But there's pretty much no human being alive that requires zero social interaction to feel good. And GP's point is that you gotta make friends while you are more able.
You may not be interested now, but the worst case is finding yourself needing a friend and unable to make one.
> there's pretty much no human being alive that requires zero social interaction
That may be true, but my threshold seems too low for other people. And it doesn't mean interacting with others helps against feelings of loneliness, usually it won't or even does the opposite. The last person I met who I kinda vibed with expressed interest in living as a hermit, so I guess I'm not gonna be fun at parties very soon.
From one introvert to another - you can and should still make friends. Sometimes it’s more work for us than it is for others, but that doesn’t mean the work isn’t worth doing.
I don't enjoy any of the community or volunteer events in my area (I have tried everything regular, but nothing has stuck). I moved here for work, so I don't have any friends or family support structure in the area. Everyone gets around by car, even though it is extremely walkable here (a personal preference), so I don't even see my neighbors except for when they drive their cars in and out of their driveway.
I know that social isolation is awful for my health. I know that making new friends can be tough at first; you need to hang out with someone enough times in a row to overcome the initial awkwardness and build up mutual understanding. But how the hell am I supposed to meet up with people repeatedly when I have to bend over backwards to fit socialization in between work, feeding myself, exercising, and cleaning (let alone other tasks)? Not to mention that, even working remotely, I'm often so drained after a workday that I don't feel up to socializing.
The only place to 'hang out' in most parts is the library (not conducive to chat) and bars/breweries (expensive, unhealthy, and home to a... certain demographic).
I've heard that other countries supposedly have better work/life balance than the USA. Do folks who have experienced this contrast find it easier to make friends elsewhere?