I know you're making a pun, but I will say one big benefit of deadlifting is a lot of things that would cause back-pain no longer do so. You don't have to lift a whole lot either, just enough to start building back muscles, and all of a sudden I can do things that would normally produce endless lower back pain.

Or, if you're like me, it can be the start of your back pain!

Real question: why?

I had a similar thought, along the lines of https://xkcd.com/538/

That's the closest link I could think of, but "deadlifting" is at best a very specific and small step toward the implicit goal of "become immune to all physical harm". It doesn't make sense, so I figure there has to be something I'm missing.

That was exactly what I was expecting, but the article was pretty good nonetheless

That's funny. I thought of a different XKCD. Deadlifting for a brute force-attack. https://xkcd.com/37/

Since we're doing "XKCD's relevant to the intersection of deadlifting and cryptography" - https://xkcd.com/189/